Arrow: Seasons 1-3 (The Secret Review with Spoilers!)

Season One:

My name is Oliver Queen. I like secrets. I secretly slipped away on a boat with my girlfriend’s sister, Sarah Lance. She died. (But secretly didn’t, see season two... but dies again, dang it... I have no luck with the ladies.)

My dad, Robert, had a secret he told me. And a secret book too. The names were secretive, but I came home after five years with a big secret of my own. I can kill people real nice. With arrows that I sharpen in my secret lair.

My bodyguard Diggle doesn’t like my secret. I need to tell him, so I do… but only after I use my secret to embarrass him a little. My therapist says I have trust issues.

I learn that my mom, Moria, has a secret too. Lots of them actually. She is part of a secret plan to nuke my city. She has failed this city.

My sister Thea has a secret drug and alcohol problem. This makes me sad because she’s really nice person deep down. I need to keep her drug problem a secret until I can fix it.

Yesterday, I tried to help her, but she says I keep too many secrets. WTH? Women. Psh.

This chick at my company suspects me of secrets. She is goofy and wears goofy glasses and talks all nerdy. She secretly loves me, and I tell her my secret because... well, she is easy on the eye I guess. Plus she can secretly hack into computers and satellites. I don’t tell her all my secrets though, just the secret lair stuff. And I bought her some high tech stuff cause I am rich.

I was upset to learn my best friend’s dad “Merlin” has a better secret than me. His secret kicked my secret's butt. I don’t know where his secret lair is, but I will find out. He is part of the secret plan to nuke my city.

Thea, my sister, stays mad at me on most days because of my secret. She really needs a drink. I hate to say it, but she’s wound up pretty tight.

I go back to my 1^st girlfriend, Laurel, and secretly get her to cheat on my best friend Tommy. Tommy sees us because as secretive as I am, I like to leave the shades open when I make out. I am cool like that.

Laurel doesn’t know about my other secret… the one where I learned how to kill people real nice. She doesn’t like my other secret very much, says I am dangerous. Whatever.

Laurel’s dad is a cop. He huffs and puffs a lot about my secret. I can’t understand why, I mean really? I am doing the man a favor. He needs a drink too… except he has a secret drinking problem. Lush.

My best friend Tommy finds out my secret. But his dad Merlin, who has a better secret than me, gets his son killed. Plus he sets off his secret nuke! What a douche!

I have failed this city…

Cue the pouty music, I need to mope around some.

Season Two:

 My name is Oliver Queen. I still mope around because I failed this city and my best friend is dead.

My mom told everyone about her secret collaboration with the psycho-nuke father of my dead best friend to the world. We all are kind of sad now because she might go to jail. She could blame my dead best friend’s father, but she has too many secrets to come forward.

This year, I have new secrets to go with my new name, Arrow. You see four years ago, I had friends on the island that I told no one about. One of those was my secretly my former girlfriend Laurel's sister, Sarah, who didn't die on the boat. I kept that secret real good, didn’t I? Haha. You are all chumps.

Sarah has a secret like me. She kills people real good. I want her secret and my secret to make love, so we do. But honestly, she makes me mad because she kills people. My secret is going soft… I mean the first one of course. I don't like to kill people real good anymore because I am a hero.

I don't feel guilty about being with Sarah even though she is my ex-girlfriend’s sister because Laurel has a secret drinking problem now, just like her dad. I don’t like that kind of secret; in case you forgot -- my sister had a secret addiction last season. It makes me sad sometimes when I think about it in my secret lair.

My friend Slade Wilson got brain-washed from a drug with a stupid secret name. He is alive with a secret of his own. He can kill people real good. He is really looney toons crazy also, but that is no secret.

Slade doesn’t know that I have another secret… he doesn’t know yet that I secretly chose the love of his life to die instead of Sarah. If he finds out he is going to try to kill me real good.

OH SNAP! He does know that secret now! He is going to destroy everything I love and maybe expose my secret. That I am secretly the Arrow, the guy who formerly killed people real good.

In other news, you might like to know that my mom Moria and my dead best friend’s father, Merlin made a secret baby… my step-sister Thea! Whaaat? She got her freak on with that guy?!? Women, psh.

I can’t tell anyone this secret about my sister! It would just be awful, plus it would hurt my mom's chances at becoming mayor. She’s out of jail and ready to be a politician. Politicians have good secrets!

Thea, the secret love child of my mom and nuke boy Merlin, can sense that I have more secrets. My sister really doesn’t like me much... sigh. Women.

Laurel keeps drinking booze in secret. This still makes me sad. I gotta get this chick some help. Maybe I should tell her my secret… or tell her the secret that her sister is still alive and we are doing it secretively every night.

Everybody look out… the man my mom is running for mayor against is a guy with a dark secret. Oh no! That guy is brain-washing people with Slade Wilson brain-washing juice! This is a terrible secret that even affects my sister’s new boyfriend, Roy. He is getting brain-washed by the Wilson juice… but it will help him with his new secret, being my partner!

But first I need to tell Thea's boyfriend my secret. Crap, he killed someone while brain-washed wearing one of my costumes…. we gotta keep that killing a secret -- even from himself. Let’s lie to him when he gets up and say he was playing Monopoly or something instead of killing people real good.

Holy Smokes! My old friend Slade just killed my mom real good! It is no secret that I am sad. I am moping around some more.

Detective Lance is warming up to my secret. Still, he's always mad about something... like the way his daughter Sarah keeps secrets about her past.

Wow, Sarah my new girlfriend had a secret romance with another woman in the secret League of Assassins. So freaky, girlfriend! I don’t mind much. Everyone has secrets. Maybe her ex-girlfriend can help me in my secret war with Slade Wilson... maybe. I need to discuss this with her in secret.

I tell my partner Roy, who recovered from brain-washing to break up with my sister. Just protecting her like a good big brother would and keeping the secrets going so she can be safe. My sister is none too happy about even more secrets, but what she going to do about it? We da men shoot arrows! Yeah, baby.

Guess what? The season is over and I pounded Slade Wilson… but it costs me my company. Dang it... I be poor like you now! Still, Slade is down for the count. I lock him up in my secret prison on the island where my big secret started.

Season Three:

My name is Oliver Queen. My show is about brain-washing people and secrets. My best friend’s dad, Merlin, is back in town with another secret, but it isn’t a nuke this time. I am not too mad at him really. He’s got a pretty good sense of humor for a psychopath.

Bonus: I told my sister my secret. She wasn’t mad… finally sobering up I guess. I think she was still kind of sore about her boyfriend’s secret though. She flirts around some with a DJ who has a secret identity like a mad girlfriend might do when abandoned by a man who secretly killed people real good.

Her new boyfriend / employee who works above my secret lair is really a secret agent in the highly secretive league of assassins. This group is really mad at Tommy's dad, Merlin, for all his secrets. They are coming to kill him, but I won’t let that happen. He might have dropped a nuke on my city and killed a bunch of people real good, but this is still my city. I take care of the secrets here, not the pajama parade of ninja boys.

My girlfriend Sarah, the sister of my old girlfriend (the one I keep secrets from), is murdered! We really want to know who did it, but something tells me it is a terrible secret. Sarah’s ex-girlfriend is back in town to figure out the secret of who killed her… she is so mad at me now. Women. Psh.

No one should tell Sarah’s dad or any of her family the secret that she is dead. Quick hide the body! We might be able to use her in a spin-off series.

Remember how I lost my company? The dude that is running my company these days has a secret. He is kind of goofy. The goofy chick likes him. He learns my secret and gets really mad at me. Women.... and the men that act like them. Psh. I need to go flex or something I guess.

I find out the secret of who killed my girlfriend… it was my sister. This is bad. My sister was brain-washed by her dad, Merlin, and can’t be held responsible for her actions. Merlin did it secretly to take the heat of him. He has been training her to be a killer in secret. I can’t stand this secret and it makes me mad at her. How dare she keep secrets like that from me? What kind of crazy person keeps a secret like that? Broads... psh. Who understands them?

I really need to protect my sister’s secret, or the secret assassin league will come kill her. I don't tell Thea she is the killer. It's a secret. I don’t tell the secret assassins that my sister is innocent. I keep that a secret too.

I tell some lies to my friends because I want to go fight the secret league of assassins and secretly offer my life in exchange for Thea, my sister. I team up with Merlin who secretly killed my girlfriend after brain-washing my sister. I guess he’s alright for a psychopath.

Some point along the way, I met another dude who could move really fast… he has a secret too. His name is Barry Allen and he is trying not to fail his city. We do stuff together in secret… I mean, not that kind of stuff, but you know, secretive stuff. He doesn't like to kill people real good, so we are cool with each other I think. He's keeping his secrets real good though from his lady friend.... protecting her like me and my gals! Yeah, fist bump!

My sister discovers the secret -- you know, the one where she secretly killed my girlfriend… man, is she acting all depressed now. She goes and blabs her secret to everyone. She needs to man up.

Dang! My girlfriend’s sister Laurel (who was my old girlfriend twice over) found out the secret of how my sister killed her sister in secret because my sister blabbed about it to her. Laurel is really mad at me now. Crazy broad. She is even starting to train in secret to be a good fighter like her sister was in her secret life.

Hey Laurel, lets’ not tell your dad, the Detective! We have to keep this a secret or he will have a heart attack. (He does find out about this secret and gets really mad at me. Psh. What’s his deal?)

Meanwhile, I go fight the secret assassins' boss in a secret city and get stabbed through the lungs! Man, I thought that hurt… then I fell off a cliff and died. Wow, that really sucked. He killed me real, real good. I mean, it was awesome.

But two of my other secret friends from my secret stay in Hong Kong working for the secretive Amanda Waller resurrect me! How they did this is an ancient Chinese secret. I don’t even know!

While I am gone, the dude who runs my company practices all kinds of secrets in a shiny suit. He also hooks up with that goofy chick in what used to be my office.

I hope this crazy secret boss villain doesn’t find out the secret that I am alive. Or who secretly helped me that night! That would be bad!

My dead girlfriend’s sister Laurel is still really mad at me. She keeps training in secret to learn to fight with a boxer and with her sister Sarah’s ex-girlfriend. They try to keep it a secret, but her dad finds out. Worse, Detective Lance finally learned the secret of his dead daughter. He really hates me now… and Laurel too for keeping secrets. I bet he starts to drink again in secret. Lush.

Double ouch… that secret assassin boss that killed me real good knows I am alive. He is coming with a secret plan to make me the heir to his secret kingdom! I am such a stone-cold king of the world kind of dude!

I hatch a new secret plan of my own! My friends can’t know this secret... they can't handle it, but I can. My plan, you ask? I will secretly join the league as a double agent.

My friends are like mad at me now; this new secret isn’t going over well. They kind of whine a lot. Mostly about kidnapping my friend Diggle’s wife. He is so mad at me for keeping my double agent plan a secret. He says I have trust issues. Who does he think he is, my therapist?

That goofy computer girl and my friends try to rescue me and we make a little love. It was pretty good. I sent her off though, because there’s a secret plan to get me married to my dead girlfriend Sarah’s ex-lover. I don’t mind much… she’s pretty decent looking and fights ok.

Mr. Secret League boss thinks he has brain-washed me. Doesn't he know my name is Oliver Queen? I can keep a good secret. He doesn’t know I am about to secretly betray him. ROFL, what a douche.

I betray him on an airplane where I secretly hoped to die in a sacrifice to save my city. Whoops, I messed up. No decent obits for me I guess.

My friends, who are all kind of slow and silly, get over our trust issues to work with me. We find the secret location of his secret plan. It’s a bioweapon! I get shot after killing the secret assassin boss with a sword, or so everyone thinks. I will let them think I am dead. It’s a great secret.

We won! Now, I am going away with the goofy computer chick now to live a life without secrets.

Before I go though, I have one more secret:

I will secretly put my best friend’s dad, who killed his son and who brain-washed my sister into killing my girlfriend (who was the sister of my old girl-friend), in charge of that secret league of assassins for secret reasons. In his first act, he makes my dead girlfriend's ex-girlfriend (who I guess is technically my wife), and also the daughter of secret assassin boss dude that I killed bow down in allegiance to him. She doesn’t like this much, but I don’t care. Finally, I have my life back.

My name is Oliver Queen. I am happy.

The End.